Secretly you hate them and want to get away from them, but then you don’t.
If you’re feeling frustrated and lonely and you think you are surrounded by toxic people, chances are that you probably are.
And a toxic person can make you feel like a crazy person for thinking this way.
But hey, you know better.
They never let you get the last word
This is one thing that you might have noticed and must have been feeling frustrated about, not to mention guilty thinking that you did something wrong.
Toxic people can’t listen to criticism or any talkbacks for that matter and always try to solve every problem as if they are the only ones living in this world.
And any feedback from you is an absolute no-no.
They MIGHT pretend that they’re listening, but in their own heads, they already have the whole conversation planned from start till the end.
And after some time, you start to realize exactly how the conversation will end, because it becomes so predictable based on how self-absorbed they are.
A few minutes into the argument you can literally feel your eyes rolling.
They have a problem with everything you do. EVERYTHING.
The way you walk, the way you dress, the way you talk, the way you go about your day, they will have something to say about all of them. Their criticism has no end. They have a problem with everything you do.
As if you shouldn’t be you, and you should only be the person THEY want you to be. You start to lose your individuality and begin to question your choices about anything.
On the other hand, they won’t listen to anything you have to say about them. Your preferences are disregarded (criticized even). Your self-esteem keeps depleting until you no longer feel the same anymore.
Your input has no value.
Your boundaries are always tested (#NORESPECT)
Your boundaries are always tested to the point that you think it’s normal to feel that way. You keep shrugging their intrusive behavior by explaining to yourself that it’s just how that person is.
You set up boundaries only for them to breach them over and over again.
Any transgression from your side would immediately call for a stern and immediate response as if you have done something even Hitler would be ashamed of. The change in their attitude is so spontaneous, that they could teach horror movies a thing or two about jump scares.
And if of course for valid reasons you get angry, they immediately start playing the victim; blaming you for overreacting. We all have something that is a no go for anyone, but no matter how clear you are about your boundaries, they either can’t take a hint or plainly just don’t care.
You just can’t win….
Your energy always drains when you are around them
The perfect termed coined for it is “Energy Vampires”. And they fit the description to the T.
The very first sign that you’re sitting around toxic people is that your energy drains around them either consciously or unconsciously.
You feel being alone would be much better than sitting with them.
Not to mention you gain nothing of value when you hang around with them. The typical conversation would be either be about gossips, nagging and complaining or just throwing a pity party.
You just need to be the good listener that you are and nod your head a few times.
Don’t ever do the grave sin of giving any input against them unless you’re ready to listen to an earful of emotional remarks and them telling you how you’re invalidating their feelings.
And if you feel like sharing about the things that happened with you, they will ALWAYS turn the conversation about them.
Your story would be lost along the way.
It keeps happening way too often that you stop sharing anything at all.
At times they even complain that you’ve stopped sharing with them but of course, you know better.
They are never happy in their own lives
It all depends on their mood.
If they are happy you are allowed to be happy if they are not then you might as well not look like you are having the time of your life either. They will try to suck you into their miseries as well. And the emphatic you might think “oh, they just want to share the pain”
Sorry to be the bearer of bad news but that isn’t the case.
They never wish to see anyone happy when they’re sad. And they will make no compromises in order to spoil someone’s happy moment EVERY TIME. (You start noticing a pattern)
This is one thing all toxic people have in common. They have a problem with everything in their lives. No life is free from worries and problems. We all have something we worry about.
But with them, not a day goes by when they haven’t nagged about something.
Your problems and worries mean nothing to them while their problems should mean the world to you. And you (in extreme cases) need to drop everything you’re doing and just listen to them.
Your plans and priorities can go take a hike.
You walk on eggshells
Ever heard of whiplash?
This is what it’ll feel like. Toxic people are very moody. And they feel no shame for it.
They unapologetically behave how they want to and it’s upon you to cater to their feelings. They are excessively bi-polar.
You go through a roller coaster of emotions with them and NOT in a good way.
Little things can set them off. You often find yourself getting sucked in petty arguments and the whole exchange leaves you exhausted and tired.
So you always try to be the bigger person and let them have their way. You feel it’s better to remain silent than to argue your head off only for them to get the last word which they do.
To not set them off and keep the relation in harmony, you unconsciously master the art of walking on eggshells. Even though you feel voiceless and a doormat you still don’t act against them.
Gradually you become conditioned to their moods and began to rationalize all their actions. And even if you don’t support them, you still don’t voice your opinions.
Secretly you hate them and want to get away from them but for some reason, you don’t.
And if a day goes by without their presence, you notice that you are happier than usual that day.
Your life seems less messy and drama free.
Simple innocent feedback makes them defensive
Imagine living with a person who you know will not be able to handle an ounce of logic that goes against them.
Yes, that’s exactly what it feels like.
You feel voiceless because your mind knows better than to speak up about any concern you have. After all, it would make all hell break loose with said individual.
Toxic people have mastered the art of turning your own words against you, and coupled with the absolute lack of responsibility, they will pull no punches in making you feel guilty for anything that you have to say.
You can’t give opinions without them turning it into an argument. No matter how innocent and in good faith it was.
They may love you but only when they “feel” like it.
To be honest, this heading is pretty misleading, toxic people don’t know how to love.
Yes, not even to themselves, let alone you.
They are miserable in their lives and are only clinging on to you to make them feel loved. They take your selflessness and love for granted.
It’s like they are a never-ending dark well. No matter how much love and care you pour in, it’s useless.
At times they might seem sweet to you but only when they feel like it and most importantly when it’s not as nerve-wracking.
You feel like you’re going leaps and bounds for that person but they hardly do anything hard for them FOR YOU.
And if by any chance they do, you are MADE to feel greatly indebted and grateful.
Whenever you truly need them, they are nowhere in sight.
And if you’ve had enough and are planning to cut that person out of your life then the sudden downpour of love and attention starts.
They will make you feel loved and tell you how special you are for them and they made a mistake and what will they do without you.
Well, the last line is true though. (it’s not every day you find someone willing to tolerate someones BS)
Anyways, you are once again successfully gaslighted and are unsure if you were just being cold and selfish. So you decide to forgive and stay.
The moment they sense you are back, they turn back to their former self.
They turn your secrets and insecurities against you
It always starts with a “Do you not trust me?” Or the famous, or rather an infamous line “communication is the key if we want to improve this relationship”.
We’ve all heard it a million times, and yet, it’s such a seller line, that you fall for it again and again and trust them blindly with some of your deepest insecurities and secrets, while said individuals are using them as a propellant for bullets they will be using against you in the near future if you talk back.
If only there was a bulletproof vest for the mind.
You keep thinking that you were wrong for speaking up your mind and at the same time you feel exposed and exploited.
They are VERY clear about their boundaries
It’s as if they don’t see you as a living creature, and only have you in their lives as long as it benefits them in any shape or form. As the rightful owners, they have clearly defined the boundaries as to what YOU can do and cannot do.
But when the onus is on them for being answerable for their unwarranted behavior, STILL it’s up to you to understand them because they are only ‘human’.
Whereas any transgression from your side would immediately call for a stern and immediate response as if you have done something even Hitler would be ashamed of. The change in their attitude is so spontaneous, that they could teach horror movies a thing or two about jump scares.
All respect, love, and care go right out the window.
They will absolutely never tolerate anything that is against them. You are never allowed to make any mistakes and if God forbid you do, you better find a spot to hide soon. They make you feel like the worst person that walked this earth.
And unfortunately, prolonged exposure to toxic people or individuals (especially if they are your loved ones like a parent, best friend, sibling, or partner) makes you lose confidence in yourself.
You become excessively self-critical and try to be a perfectionist which you can never be. You start to beat yourself up over the pettiest of reasons.
Only because you unconsciously became vulnerable to the wrong individual.
Or maybe you grew up with one. (like me)
In your head, you might be nodding your head thinking this is just what I am going through ( or maybe have gone through) and are desperate to find a solution for it.
To be very honest, they are a few solutions for it, the best being to cut those people out of your life completely.
But unfortunately, this can’t always be the case for everyone. Sometimes you can’t cut that person out of your life no matter how much you want to.
Especially so if you are either dependent on the individual (like parents/guardians) or the said individual is dependent on you (like children/siblings/old parents).
You can always try to keep minimal contact with them and unapologetically be YOU.
It might come as a shock for them but sooner or later they will get conditioned to the way you behave.
But never leave your character out the door because they are misbehaving. You don’t want to get caught in their spitefulness.
Their remarks might hurt you, but remember most people aren’t malicious, they are just fools. They haven’t even figured themselves out let alone you.
Toxic people are just sad in their lives, so the best thing to do is to focus on your own self and if possible pray for their right guidance.
And don’t forget to always analyze yourself and your behavior because without knowing it, we also at times become the person we despise.
